Realization
by heartxhabit
Summary: Mordecai blogs about his relationship troubles and later receives a troubling email from an unknown sender. It says that they can fix "all of his love issues". How will Mordecai deal with news he doesn't want to hear?


_Give me any reason to believe, 'Cause I swear I'm done here. _

_'Cause I've seen a bigger picture, And I'm looking for some answers_

Yea, I'm looking for answers. I have been for a long time actually. Since I started dating actually. Why is it that I see all these happy couples walking around holding each other tight, when I can't even hold down a girlfriend for longer than a week. All the people I know who have had girlfriends have been with them for months, even YEARS sometimes, but not me. The only reason they get with me in the first place is because they like a "bad boy". But what if I don't want to be a bad boy? What if I want to make her breakfast in the morning, and tuck her in at night?

The weirdest part is, most people talk about this amazing feeling when you kiss a girl. They say it's like electricity flowing through your body! Well, I've kissed many girls, and I've never felt a thing. Not even a tickle. I mean, maybe it has to be with the right girl? . . . No, that can't be it . . . . some of my friends have said this about everyone they've been with . . . . so I guess theres just something wrong with me . . Which is really depressing.

I want to believe in love, but it's so hard. Especially when all of your friends are having these amazing relationships, but you can't even hold down one single good one. But I guess I'll keep trying, keep hoping, that is, until I'm hurt to much to love anymore.

Your friend,

Mordecai.

Mordecai didn't really like to tell anyone that he had the very common guilty pleasure of keeping a personal blog. He wasn't even gutsy enough to put anything on the web. It was just his little journal that he had on his computer. It was hidden, deep within the confines of his computer, in a place where no man or woman would ever look for it; in the folder with his porno collection. He never actually looked at the pictures in the folder, the only reason he ever even went in there was to get to his blog posts. But either way, it was a very good hiding place. The folder was named "bondage pics". But there were no bondage pics in there at all. And if someone were ever to ask to see the "bondage pics", Mordecai had a plan. He would say that he hasn't found any good ones yet, and there were none in there at the moment. He thought it was pretty fool proof.

He wrote one post a day, before Rigby woke up, so he wouldn't ask. They were all varying lengths, and they were usually about his love life. They almost always started with lyrics, or quoted lyrics that Mordecai felt fit the theme of the post. But none of that mattered. The format doesn't matter, the font doesn't matter, nor the length, nor the subject. What really mattered is that Mordecai had a place to put his real feelings. It was hard to be a hard ass all the time. The "book on being a hard ass" told him that he wasn't allowed to talk about those in public, and that he was NEVER allowed to cry, **ever**. And after a while, that really took it's tole on him.

Mordecai closed his computer after reading over his post one more time. He put it on the bed next to him, and turned on the lights. Rigby stirred and groaned. It was after all, a Saturday.

"Dude, what the hell?" Rigby mumbled almost angrily.

"I'm getting breakfast. And I'm not in the mood for something cold, so if you want something you should get up now." Rigby's eyes shot open. He sat up quickly, and smiled.

"Will you make me waffles?!" According to Rigby, Mordecai makes THE BEST waffles. They were those really big ones with the pockets in them for the syrup. He always put chocolate chips in them too.

"Sure I guess. As long as you get up like now, and you have to wash your own dishes." Rigby nodded happily, and hopped out of bed. He scratched his head and stretched before following Mordecai downstairs.

The smell of waffles filled the room very quickly, and Rigby was drooling as soon as the scent processed in his brain. He had fork and knife in hand at least 5 minutes before the waffles hit the table, and as Mordecai held them above Rigby's head, he snatched two with his fork.

"Dude! Really?!" Mordecai sat down across from Rigby, whose waffles were already half gone. He was humming an unfamiliar tune, as he always does when he eats Mordecai's food. It's always the same unrecognizable song, probably something from Rigby's childhood; that's what it sounded like at least.

After all the waffles were gone, and all the dishes were done, the two friends sat on the couch and digested. Rigby fell asleep, but Mordecai went and got his computer. He was checking his email - which was surprisingly full - when he came across a message from a sender that he didn't recognize. The subject was "Relationship troubles?". Mordecai knew that he probably shouldn't open the email. It was probably something that had escaped his spam folder for some reason. But then he thought of his blog post this morning. This might be what he has been searching for.

He opened the email, reluctantly. It read:

"Dear Mordecai,

Are you having trouble holding a relationship? Want to find out why? This test will tell you weather your'e too clingy, too distracted, too selfish, too selfless, and much more! It will also tell you how to fix any or all of these problems! Just take the test in the link below, and you WILL have your answers!

Signed,

Your personal love trainer."

Mordecai didn't know what to think. The email looked like one sent from a friend. It definitely was not an add for something, it was anything promotional, or gimmicky either. It looked completely legitimate. So, he clicked the link. He was shocked to see just a blank white page with questions on it. They were very obscure questions too. One that stuck in Mordecai's mind for example, was "how do you see yourself in today's society? How are you significant to the world?" Mordecai didn't know what to say. They were all open ended. He thought for at least 10 minutes before he finally said:

_"I am significant only to those who care for me, such as my friends and my family. I don't matter to the rest of the world."_

The sad thing was, he honestly felt that way. The rest of the questions were just as strange as the previous ones. Towards the end they got very personal. For example, one read "What is the first thing you are attracted to in a girl?". Mordecai answered: "I'm not really attracted to girls first, they always come to me .". Which was pretty much true. Mordecai never feels as though he _needs_ a relationship, he just _wants_ one. He had never actually asked a girl out, they always asked him.

Then, he came to the last question.

_"_How do you view your love life? What are some things that bother you about the love life you have right now?"

Mordecai didn't really know what to say to this question. He had to think about this one even longer than he did for the first question, but then he finally realized.

_"I view my love life as very unhappy. Something that bothers me about it is that all my friends say that they experience an amazing feeling when they kiss a girl, but I don't. They say it feels like electricity, but I don't feel a thing." _

Mordecai felt better now that he had finally told someone this. even if that someone may just be a computer. He sent in his results, and a service message popped up.

"Your results have been sent in to our love experts. Your love expert is _Jason_. He will guide you through the process of finding a more passionate and happy love experience. Thank you for your email."

Mordecai wondered if he would ever get his results back. He didn't really care, even though he would like to have a more passionate and happy love life. A more passionate one especially. Not many girls accept the news at first, but he always has to tell the almost embarrassing news that he _is _still a virgin. He doesn't seem to have much of a sex drive, because he's almost gotten there a few times, but nothing happened . . . "down there". That's usually the reason most of his relationships end, because the girls who want him are whores.

He closed his eyes and let his head fall back and rest. He pondered how these results would even help him at all. He must have fallen asleep, because he was scared awake by the sound of a new email. He jumped and smiled. He looked at the subject to make sure it was what he was looking for. It was. He quickly opened the awaited email, and inside was a similar looking message.

"Dear Mordecai,

You might want to sit down for this . . ."

Mordecai closed his computer quickly. Those words in one sentence always means trouble, no matter what you're talking about. He got up from the couch carefully, trying his hardest not to wake Rigby. He scurried quietly into his room and closed the door. He took the deepest breath he could muster, and opened hi computer again.

"After reading over your answers to the survey questions, I have come to a conclusion about why you do not have a fulfilling love life. But before I tell you my conclusion, let me tell you a bit about our test. This test is sent to those who we find to have had troubles in the past that may bring about love troubles in the future. The questions you have answered were taken from a bank of love and personality questions, which will help us discover why your love life is not sufficient. The test you have taken was made by me, especially for you, with your personality in mind."

"_Why are they telling me this? and how the hell do they know my personality?!" _Mordecai thought. He was so confused, but he just wanted to know what was wrong with him, and how he could fix it, so he read on.

"Now that you have heard the back story of sorts, we will tell you your results. Now remember Mordecai, you can do with these results what ever you like. You can take my advice or completely ignore it and forget about this test completely. These results will not change who you already are."

It was like they were trying to prepare Mordecai for something life changing. Something life changing that he wouldn't necessarily like or agree with.

"Mordecai, the reason that you have a love life that is not fulfilling is because . . . . you are gay."

Mordecai rubbed his eyes, and looked at the results again, more closely this time. He read the entire message over again, picking apart every word, searching for the tiniest hint that this is a joke.

As he finished reading it again, and he landed on the the last three words, a smile split its way across his features. It wasn't a smile of happiness, or bliss, or even a half-assed smile that you give someone when you don't really care about what they have to say. He was laughing. Snickering uncontrollably in fact. His eyes were fixed on one point on the wall opposite him, and he just kept smiling, trying to hold in the inevitable. But after a few minutes, he couldn't hold it in any longer. His lips flew open, and the loudest, most obnoxious laugh escaped. He clutched his stomach, and rolled onto his back. After a while he was laughing so hard he couldn't breathe, and tears glazed his cheeks. His face was bright red, but he still continued. Rigby got him good!

After he had almost collected himself, he made his way to the living room. He found Rigby still asleep on the couch. It must have been hours since he ate, and yet he was still in a food coma. Mordecai came up behind him, grabbed him around his neck with his arm, and dug his knuckles into his scalp. Rigby's eyes shot open, and he struggled to get away, but Mordecai's grip was too firm. Rigby kicked his legs, and made what little noise he could. Mordecai wasn't hurting Rigby, he just hated noogies. Mordecai let Rigby go, and he slid back down to his seat on the couch. Mordecai stood behind him laughing hysterically.

"Dude! what was that for?!" Rigby asked loudly, rubbing the top of his head.

"You . . . you got me good man!" Mordecai smiled and put a hand on Rigby's shoulder.

"What are you talking about?!"

"Don't act like you don't know! The email you sent me! It's obvious what you did! You made a completely new email, and didn't give it to anybody. Then you sent me the first email, made the test, and gave me my results while I was sleeping! it's GENIUS!" Mordecai curled in on himself he was laughing so hard. Rigby raised an eyebrow.

"Mordecai, I literally have no idea what you're talking about." Mordecai looked at Rigby's blank expression. He suddenly stopped laughing.

". . . you're serious . . . aren't you?" Mordecai's eyes seemed to get darker, and sink back into his head. His expression changed completely, and a mood fell over the two of them.

"Yea man! This prank seems epic, but it's not mine. And you know just as well as I do, that if something this good were mine, I'd claim it almost immediately!" Mordecai dropped his head, and leaned all of his weight on the back of the couch. He clutched it in his hands so tight that Rigby could hear the wooden frame creaking. "Mordecai, what did the email say?"

"Nothing." Mordecai was quick to answer. He moved quickly over to the kitchen counter, and leaned his elbows on it, burying his hands in his hair. He clenched his teeth, and began to pace around the small kitchen. Rigby knew something was eating him. He got up from the couch, and came and sat at the table as Mordecai continued to pace back and forth. He kept running his fingers through his hair angrily, and he wouldn't look at Rigby.

"Mordecai, what did that email say?!" Rigby was more forceful this time with his question. But that didn't help his cause at all. Mordecai wrenched his fingers from his hair and slammed both fists on the opposite counter so hard that Rigby felt the floor shake a bit. Glasses fell over, and the pile of dishes in the strainer collapsed onto the floor. Rigby jumped up quickly to pick up the broken glass and utensils. Mordecai sat down and buried his face in his hands.

Rigby looked everywhere for the broom and dust pan, but couldn't find them anywhere. He had to pick up the broken glass with his hands instead. Mordecai wasn't wearing shoes, and he didn't want him to step on any glass. He quickly grabbed the large pieces first and put them in the palm of his hand. He grabbed a fairly large piece not knowing that the edge was extremely sharp. The glass cut deep into his finger, and he winced.

"Shit!" The wounded finger went immediately into Rigby's mouth. Mordecai looked over at his friend, and realized he had hurt himself. He stood quickly and beckoned for Rigby to hand the glass to him. Rigby did as he was told, and Mordecai began to clean up the rest of the glass. Rigby sat at the counter, still sucking on his finger. He winced in pain as the saliva stung his wound. As Mordecai finished with the rest of the glass, his next priority was Rigby. He sat down next to his friend. Rigby looked scared for some unknown reason.

"Let me see." Mordecai commanded. He put out his hand, but Rigby shook his head no. "Dude, I'm not going to put anything on it unless it's really deep, I promise. I know how much you hate that stuff." Mordecai put out his hand again, and Rigby slid his finger out of his mouth and gave him his hand. The first thing that Mordecai noticed was not the gash on his friends finger, but Rigby's red teeth. He looked down at his friends finger, and he couldn't even see the wound. Blood was spilling from it, and it was getting all over both boys hands. Mordecai grabbed a roll of paper towels that was conveniently on the counter next to him and unwrapped about ten sheets. He tried to hold Rigby's hand so he could begin to dress the wound, but Rigby pulled his hand away. "Rigby, I've got to stop the bleeding!" Rigby retuned his hand, cautiously. Mordecai them began to wrap his friends finger, tightly. Rigby winced and tried to pull away, but Mordecai held him fast. "Stay still!" He commanded. "It can't hurt that bad!" But Rigby continued to squirm. He was acting like a child. Mordecai finished wrapping Rigby's finger up tight. "Now, keep pressure on it." Rigby didn't budge. "Do you want it to stop bleeding?!" Mordecai was getting pissed now, but on the inside he was worried Rigby would have to get stitches. Rigby has a pathological fear of hospitals, he wouldn't be able to take him to one himself. But Rigby still wouldn't budge. "Dude, if you don't put pressure on it, you'll have to get stitches! Do you want to go to the ER and get stitches?!" Rigby bit his lip and pressed his remaining hand on the wound. He shut his eyes tight and scrunched his face up in pain. "Ok, now I'm going to see if we have a first aid kit. Don't let go of your hand ok?!" Rigby nodded.

After a few minutes of tearing apart every bathroom in the house, Mordecai found a first aid kit. There were instructions on how to care for deep cuts. It said to run the wound under luke warm water until the depth is visible. If the depth seems to be half of the way down to the bone, then stitches are required. Mordecai made his way back to Rigby as quickly as he could. He told Rigby the plan, and the quickly took the paper towels off of his wound. They ran the water till the temperature was perfect, and Rigby reluctantly stuck his hand under. He groaned in pain. Mordecai held him still, and looked at the wound. He made the call that stitches were not required, and he pulled Rigby's hand from under the water. The bleeding had slowed down significantly, and it was much easier to dress it properly. Two layers of gauss, and a tight ace bandage did the trick quite well. Mordecai looked at Rigby for the first time in the eyes since the accident had occurred. Rigby looked back at him with blood shot eyes. The remnants of tears glistened on his skin, and Mordecai realized that this must have really hurt him badly. Rigby may be small, and kind of a wimp at times, but he has a very high tolerance to pain and these things rarely make him tear, let alone cry.

Rigby smiled and looked down at his hand. Mordecai had no idea why he got so worried about his friend, and why he did all this for him, something inside him just made him do it. Rigby looked back up at Mordecai and smiled.

"Thanks man." He said softly. It would have been more "in character" for Mordecai to say something smart or sarcastic. He could have commented on how much of a baby Rigby was, or how dumb it was to pick up the glass with his bare hands, bout something else took over him for a fraction of a second. It was something he had never felt before. He closed his eyes, and grabbed Rigby behind his head, softly. He could hear a soft voice in the back of his mind screaming at him. It was telling him to stop, to not go any further. But for some reason he couldn't stop. Before he could listen to that little voice, their lips had already met. And there it was; that infamous spark of electricity that all of his friends talked about. A tear ran down his face. He realized in the second that the relationship he had been waiting for had always been there, right in front of his face.

Mordecai suddenly snapped out of his thoughts when he felt a pressure on his chest. He opened his eyes, and Rigby was struggling to get away from him. Mordecai realized what was going on and let go of Rigby and jumped to his feet. Rigby jumped back as well. He wiped his mouth with his sleeve, and stared at Mordecai, his mouth now agape. Mordecai couldn't look at him. He didn't have to. He could already feel the rejection. So instead he just put his hands in his pockets and made his way over to the couch. He sat down on the arm, his back facing his friend. The silence was deafening, neither of them could say a word, and Rigby couldn't even move. They probably stood there for about 30 minutes, until it became unbearable for both of them.

"DUDE! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!" Rigby's words were acid, not only because there was rejection in every, syllable, but because Mordecai has only heard Rigby curse a hand full of times, and those were not good times. Mordecai couldn't answer. "Mordecai!" Rigby grabbed his shoulder and turned him around. Mordecai refused to look at Rigby. He already knew there was rage in his eyes, he didn't need to see it for himself. Instead he looked down at him lap, at his hands. The hands that helped Rigby dress his wounds. The hands that were still stained with his friends blood. "Mordecai, I swear to God! If you don't tell me that you were just under some kind of weird spell, or something . . . MORDECAI!" Rigby was furious. Mordecai finally mustered up the courage to look at his friend. As he looked into his friends eyes, the eyes he expected to be filled with rage, there was the slightest glimmer of hope. There was no rage in Rigby's eyes, there was only confusion; confusion that Mordecai could not even begin to see the end of. Mordecai reached out for his friend. He grabbed hold of Rigby's arm. He looked at him straight in the face and told him about the email.

"It said I was gay Rigby. It said I was gay and I think it was right." Rigby's face changed immediately. Mordecai couldn't look at him once again, but kept his grasp tight. Rigby leaned on the back of the couch next to his friend.

"Why do you think it's right?" Mordecai didn't want to say the way he felt when he kissed him. He almost wanted to forget about it, and just go back to his two week relationships. But he just couldn't. He couldn't forget the electricity.

"You've kissed girls before. Well you know that electric feeling you get when you kiss them?" Mordecai looked up at Rigby again. He looked him right in the eyes. "Well . . . I've never felt that with any of the girls I've kissed . . . but I felt it when I kissed you." Rigby's expression changed again. But this time it was an unexpected change. He blushed. Thoughts of all different shapes and colors rushed through Mordecai's head all at once. They were all rushing so fast that he could only grab hold of one of them.

_"Maybe he loves me back . . ."_

He held Rigby's arm tighter. He realized that Rigby would never even think about being with him. He's always talking about how great his girl friends are, and he has a huge crush on one of them. Mordecai closed his eyes, and looked up at the ceiling. He let his grip loosen on Rigby's arm, and eventually his hand dropped to his side. He let every muscle in his body relax, and he was about to just give up on himself. He felt like the one person that he could ever love . . . didn't love him back.

Mordecai's eyes shot open as he felt a soft and yet tight grip around his neck. He looked, and Rigby had embraced him, and was resting his head on his shoulder. He was crying. Mordecai didn't know what to do, what to think, what to say. Nothing came to mind. But it didn't matter, because Rigby had something to say.

"Thank God!" He whispered. Mordecai was so confused. "I never thought I'd hear you say those words!" Mordecai pushed his friend back. He stared into his face, into his eyes.

"What?!"

"Every time I saw you in a new relationship with some whore, it would just crush me! I knew you deserved better! You deserve SO MUCH BETTER!" Mordecai couldn't seem to understand the words that were coming from Rigby's mouth. They were gibberish, but he seemed to understand them all at the same time. Everything else faded out of his vision, all except for Rigby. He put his hands on Mordecai's shoulders. "Mordecai, yes, I HAVE kissed girls before, but guess who else hasn't felt the electricity!? ME!" Rigby was smiling from ear to ear, and Mordecai was starting to get it.

"What do you mean?"

"Mordecai, don't you get it! All those girls were just a cover up! I never _loved _any of them, really. Mordecai, I've really been waiting all this time for one person! And that person, is YOU!" Rigby hugged Mordecai again, but tighter this time. A smile made its way onto Mordecai's face, and he wrapped his arms around his friend. He closed his eyes, and thanked God that he could be happy at last, and with the right person this time. With the person who has always loved him enough to wait for him. His best friend, Rigby.


End file.
